In a funk

Alert -- below is mostly a rant on my personal life, only the first paragraph has anything to do with my practice.

Where to begin? I felt the pre-ladies' holiday rage begin on Friday while driving to work. It almost always hits while I'm driving because the stupidity of Port Washington drivers seems to increase exponentially when I'm PMS'ing. Friday at lunch I find out from BF that he will not be having dinner at his aunt and uncle's with the kids because his aunt is sick. In my hostile fog this of course hit me the wrong way. His family is so casual and go-with-the-flow and I'm so, well, not. I'm very structured (some would say rigid) and it's very difficult for me to deal with them. They are VERY nice people, though, don't get me wrong. So I then realize that I may not have time to get all the stuff done that I wanted to (cleaning, etc) and get even more cranky. I had been thinking about going to one of the classes at the local studio on Saturday morning, just to get moving but I wasn't sure because I knew it was major meltdown potential. When I got up Saturday morning I decided to go anyway. I went to their 'hot vinyasa' class which was neither hot nor vinyasa but I kind of enjoyed it and I liked the teacher. She was very no-nonsense, non-touchy-feely but a good coach/cheerleader, which I appreciated. I had a mini-meltdown during savasana but I managed to keep it together and I don't think anyone noticed. I did, however, have one of the best ustrasanas I've ever had. I think eventually that may be 'my' pose.

After class I'm freaking out about how heavy I've gotten and my brain is just spiraling. I keep repeating to myself that it's just PMS, it will pass but the tears remain close. The boss calls, something isn't working after I did some maintenance work this morning at 6am. We did a 'severity one' call and everyone got it figured out after about an hour. Then I find out BF and older child have to go all the way back out to Smithtown because the ex-wife has not included all of older child's cub scout patches that need to be affixed to his uniform. He and his father are supposed to go to his graduation from cub scouts to boy scouts and his uniform isn't ready. Can we talk about a mom who sends her children off completely unprepared and half-assed EVERY GODDAMNED TWO FUCKING WEEKS?????? This is one of the reasons I don't have children, it would make me nuts because I'd spend way too much time trying to make sure everything is 'perfect'. So they go to her house (an hour away--leaving me home alone with the other child, btw) and can't find the patches. They spend another two hours going to the boy scout store and getting new ones. Then I spend about an hour figuring out how to get the patches on and ironing, etc. So basically haven't really seen much of BF all weekend.

We all went out to dinner to a chain restaurant that I won't even name, I'm so horrified by it. It's 'kid friendly', you know. We had a forty minute wait to get seated then we didn't see our waitress for at least ten minutes. I was, of course, incensed, given my hormonal mood and I flagged down a host and bitched. She finally showed up after another five minutes. The children were badly behaved, as usual. Or maybe it's just that I don't have kids so I don't know how children should be expected to behave. Perhaps it's all me, this expectation that the kids understand how they should behave in public. They're not THREE for crying out loud. I always get the excuse that 'they're boys, that's how boys are' and I just don't agree with that. I think it's just an excuse for a lack of discipline and consistent behavior on the part of the parents. Again, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just a hard-assed bitch. Yes, the woman who allows cartoons or Nickelodeon pre-teen crap to play on the tv in the living room in a continuous loop, the woman who allows video games to also be played in the living room, despite the fact that there's a tv with a dvd player AND an extra XBox 360 console upstairs in THEIR room (but the one in the living room has the 'live' subscription on the internet.....), the woman who watches stupid slapstick comedies that she hates with the rest of the boys in the house, the woman who bakes some kind of homemade brownie/cookie/cake every time they come visit, the woman who cooks/cleans/does laundry......this woman, she's a hard-assed bitch. She's mean, she's demanding, she's never pleased with anything. I'M SO FUCKING OVER IT.

By time time we got home I was exhausted so I hopped on the computer for a second and found out through Anna's blog that Teacher won't be there tomorrow, there's a sub. I totally freaked. I knew I couldn't do a new teacher tomorrow. Even if it had just been Teacher I probably would have melted down, which would be ok (sort of) but I couldn't stomach the thought of freaking out in front of someone I didn't even know. Then I started losing it because there's another decent practice passing me by. My weight is ballooning and it's mostly because I haven't been able to practice the way I usually do. I went to bed and BF came up a few minutes later so I started sobbing about how fat I am and how I need to practice and I can't and on and on and on. Poor BF, it sucks to be with a hormonal woman.

My practice embarasses me; my weight embarasses me. I don't even want to be at the Shala at the same time Anna is (we keep saying we should meet) because I'm embarassed to meet her or anyone else who practices there. I just want to slink in, do my lame practice and slink out. I'm actually tearing up as I write this. I'm just a mess.

AND WHY THE FUCK CAN'T THE EIGHT YEAR OLD LEARN TO PUT ON PANTS BEFORE HE COMES DOWNSTAIRS IN THE MORNING??????