Lately I've been watching 'How to Look Good Naked' (and no, I don't normally watch Lifetime). I cry every time I watch it (I'm a sap, don't tell my all-male coworker group, they think I'm a tough bitch, ha!). One, because all of the women they have had on the show are beautiful, healthy, normal sized women who don't see themselves clearly and that's always sad and two, because I always see myself. They have this segment where they line up a bunch of 'larger' women (probably between a size 12 and size 18) smallest to largest, in their underwear. Then they have the featured woman pick where she thinks she belongs in terms of her size in the lineup. And they always pick at least two sizes larger than they really are. I stopped at Old Navy very quickly Wednesday night after dinner to see what they had in the way of pants. I tried on some 10's and 12's and even the 12's didn't really fit. It totally threw me for a loop. So today, I'm thinking, is my worth really in the size of my pants?????? Why is my ability to feel attractive so closely correlated to my clothing size? I know that I need to lose some of this weight to be healthier, I'm petrified of things like heart disease, diabetes, digestive diseases like colon cancer. And I will certainly keep striving for that. But why is my self esteem all wrapped up in whether I can still fit into my size 10 designer jeans (I can't, by the way!)? I hate this struggle and I feel like I've gone through it every single day of my life since I can remember. It's exhausting and I'm tired of it but I can't figure out how to give it up. And I KNOW that no matter how much weight I lose, the judgemental voice will always be there. I know in my head that this is not about how thin I am. But really, what IS it about then?
Home practice today. I worked hard in the sun salutations, did most of the standing sequence then did some hip openers and backbending. Shalabasana, Ustrasana, Dhanurasana. No UD though. I did prop my self up on a block for some bridge, just to work on finding the feet. :)
I ordered some good stuff from Amazon with a gift certificate my brother sent me for my birthday back in January. World Tour 2000 with SKPJ, the Encinitas DVD where Guruji does led third series and the Yoga book by Linda Sparrowe. I love the pictures in that book. I used to practice with one of the models for that book, Lauren Petersen. She has THE MOST AMAZING PRACTICE I've ever seen. And she's so nice, really the most down to earth person ever. So it'll be cool to have a big book full of pictures of her and others. I'm also buying a bunch of stuff from Cranky today. Yoga clothes, the Matthew Sweeney book, and the Anatomy of Hatha Yoga. Fun! I looooooove yoga books. I'm such a geek.
Cranky is coming to visit us and practice with us in our Shala!!!!! Yippeeeeee!!!!!
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15 comments:
I understand you so very well, Sonya! Though I lost most of my extra weiht, I am still in my head a 200-pound woman. It is very hard to fight.
But we will win, right? We will start feeling our worth in gold, not pounds.
Hmm, by gold I did not mean money, of course :D
I knew exactly what you meant, Alfia. :) It's an exhausting struggle, no? I think I will always see the size 18 200 lb woman, even if I'm a size 8 and 150 lbs.
just read an interesting take on the body image in the us www.embodiedmovement.blogspot.com
i loved reading the fashion magazines in india. the women are curvy and sexy. with rolls even! seeing this made me feel so womanly.
I agree, Elise. What exactly AM I hungry for, anyway??
You know about Mary Taylor's book called What are You Hungry For?
Lauren P. is an absolute joy to have in the room, isn't she? Talking to her after practice, she is so light and yet so grounded. Wonderful woman.
Sonya, sometime when you are with Anna, ask her about "contemplate the opposite."
No, I didn't know about it, but I do now! Thanks Owl! I will see if I can hunt it down tomorrow after class.
It was amazing to practice with Lauren. I consider myself lucky to have experienced it!
Hi there! I already emailed you about this so I don't want to obnoxiously repeat myself, except to say.. the beautiful thing about women is that we all look different, and one of the beautiful things about ashtanga is the amazing things it teaches our bodies to do.
Contemplate the opposite. Retrain the voice over your shoulder. I can't always do this, but the logical part of me says we have to be kind to ourselves, because if we're not, who else will be? If I need someone to criticize me, I have relatives I can call.
: )
if i understand contemplate the opposite correctly, i have become a master of this! i was eating disordered for a very long time, and i truly believe that whatever you look like, you can create a self-loathing or a self-love. i made a VERY conscious decision to create the second one. i don't engage in negative body dialogue in my head and i don't speak poorly of myself to other people.
another thing that is interesting to me is that when i say that i am 'big' people scramble to tell me that i am not, like being big is a bad thing. my point is that i am a 'large' in most cases and that is just fine with me.
i have noticed my daughter doing this very bizarre thing, and that is that she will say she is ugly and fat which couldn't be further from the truth, and i know this is because socisty teaches girls that they are supposed to say these things about themselves. at what point does is change from just saying it to really believing it?
You do understand it correctly, and I didn't make it up. It's a sutra that Zoe chanted once, and she repeated it to me during my frustrations with this or that, for instance when I was learning laghuvajrasana (still a problem pose for me) and I'd announce, I hate this pose! And she'd say, contemplate the opposite. It's one of the few yogic principles that I easily remember, that touches me, and I try to apply it to other aspects of my life off the mat.
That upsets me about your daughter because it's not true and regardless no one should ever think of themselves that way. Then again, thinking back, I absolutely thought I was ugly and fat as a child. Have no idea why, because I was neither. You're a great example to her.
Sometimes 'contemplate the opposite' works fo me. There are days when I can shut those voices down. But definitely not every day, or even most days. I do have a little more success with it in my yoga practice. When I'm grindin through the B sun sals, I repeat 'I love my sun sals, I love my sun sals'. It doesn't really make me love them but it helps to make them less grueling.
I don't know what to do about the body image stuff though. Some days I am literally exhausted from judging myself.
Cranky, that makes me really sad about your daughter. It's so unfair, what we do to girls from the youngest age. :(
Hmmm, that's 'we' as in society, not we, as in women.
yeah, it is really sad to me because i have been so careful about how i look at myself and how i talk about myself at home. also how i describe other people. and i am really strict about the media that she is exposed to. so i know this crap is stuff she picks up from other kids and it makes me feel helpless.
Reposted, From Owl, edited for content... :)
Mmm, this is the yoga right here. It's hard because it's RADICAL. S, the thing about exhausting yourself is so insightful. That's an edge to work, right?
It's hard for the daughter too. I feel like what you are doing, CH, is to create an alternative to the warped ideas she's hearing, rather than just shouting down the warped ideas.
Seeing these feelings and talking aobut them is ALREADY radical. It's already beginning to not just contemplate but create a whole reality out of "the opposite." It's so inspiring to think this is even possible.
Why make peace with negative self-talk when we can just snuff it out entirely?
The Sutra is 2.33. Google "pratipaksha bhavana."
March 16, 2008 6:43 PM
Cranky, maybe the new Fairy school will help? Children from parents of like minds? Let's hope!
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