Out of the cave....

I have been debating whether to post this or not. Back and forth in my chattery mind.....it's weird to me to blab it out to the world but it's also weird not to? So here goes, this'll be a long one, settle in kids.

First, I want to get down on permanent cyber-paper a smidge of the conversation I had with Owl. We were talking about school (university, grown-up type school) and I was talking about playing (or, not playing) the clarinet. And she wanted to know (as does everyone) if I play any more. I do not. She observed that perhaps that is the issue with my hips. Which leads me to the next paragraph.....

Later that day I went to M's class. M is my teacher. She is also one of my dearest friends but I like to check in my practice with her every once in a while. She's wonderful with alignment and she totally 'gets' my strange body shape (that's not self-deprecation or self-flagellation, it's just the truth). My legs and arms come out at an angle that's a bit different from the typical person. Not enough to make me look weird to the uneducated eye but enough to make certain poses more difficult than they could or should be. Like Tiryangmukhaikapada, that pose is a killer for me. And all of the Marichyasanas are much harder than they really should be. Internal rotation is not my friend. But I digress. So we started working on Tiryang and she noted that I've backpedaled a good bit on internals and on hip flexor stuff. And she's absolutely right. I knew it before I walked into the room. But it hit me like a ton of bricks and I lost it. Complete meltdown in the middle of the room. Embarassing but strangely satisfying and purging at the same time. So lots of yoga homework to do. As it always is. And I carry on with my sad little half-primary.

After class I went to dinner with A, my friend who had the open heart surgery. He's doing very well, pretty much back to normal. And during dinner I noticed that my mother had called, as well as my cousin (mom number 2). Then cousin called again. Shit. So I called said cousin, in Florida, waking her up at midnight. She wouldn't tell me what was up, just made me call my mother.

Turns out my father passed away on Monday afternoon. He had a heart attack (his second) while he was at work. I don't know any more details than that, honestly. My family isn't much for communication, and I'm the least communicative of the bunch. More significant is the fact that he and I have been estranged for approximately 10 years or so. Basically since I moved to New York. For reasons that are best left to another post, as this one will be lengthy anyway.

So now I'm full of crazy feelings. Tearing up at inopportune moments (the line in the cafeteria at work today), feeling incredibly angry, frustrated with BF, who didn't seem to clean or pick up anything in the house other than do dishes while I was gone. Etc etc etc. And now I have to go to Florida (a place I DESPISE more than I hate Long Island) and deal with long-forgotten relatives, my mother, my father's bits and pieces left behind. When people find out, of course the first thing they say is 'I'm so sorry for your loss'. What loss? Did I lose something? I lost this relationship long ago. My mother wanted to know if I wanted to 'say goodbye' to my father before they cremated him. Um, no. First of all, that body is not my father. Second of all, I find the practice somewhat revolting. Apparently his coworkers insisted on a memorial service, which is to be held on Saturday. Tomorrow I get back on a plane again (I'm really quite tired right now of flying) and go to Florida for three days to deal with my taciturn brother and hysterical mother (oh, by the way, my parents have been divorced since I was 14 but my mother will use any excuse to be dramatic) and various and sundry relatives who I won't even recognize at this point.

How do I get my chatty brain to SHUT UP right now? Oh yeah, yoga.

Random thoughts from LA

The A-number one thing I want to say is IT IS FUCKING OK TO BE NICE ALL THE TIME. All right? So everyone shut the fuck up and either be nice or not but stop judging.
So there.

It is fucking beautiful here. I had breakfast with Owl this morning. We had a lovely talk, about yoga and her spectacular Editor, who I'll be practicing with later this weekend, about academia and school and more yoga and how lovely Cranky/Happy and Anna and the rest of the cyber-shala is (are?) - ugh, I've completely lost the ability to create a proper sentence. Too much food and sun. Owl is just so lovely, intelligent and vivacious and so freaking young-looking. Did I look that young at her age? Hmmm, NO.

I peeked through the window where Owl was practicing this morning and watched someone give a baddha konasana adjustment by standing on someone's knees. Their knees. No, really, their knees. WTF?

My teacher in NY will be absent from the shala for a while and I am sad.

Seriously, if I could move back I would even be willing to live in the Valley. That's right, I'd pick the Valley over suburban Long Island.

I'm tired and I love it here and I don't want to go back. Except I have to.

Everything is better in LA

I have so much to post, I don't know where to begin. As I drove over 'the hill' from the Valley back down into the West Side, with the LA Basin spread before me, I felt a wave of nostalgia and longing so strong I almost cried. I need to live here.

Got very drunk last night at the GasLite. Sang Rock Star by Nickelback. Was far too hung over to have a private with M so I just hung out with her all day today, walking from Santa Monica to Venice and stopping for lunch along the way. Friday I practiced with my very first Mysore teacher, it was nice to see her. Then I had all of my hair cut off (gave that to my friend/teacher M to give to a friend of hers that does weaves for cancer patients) and went for a massage with Butch. It was QUITE a massage. I'm never shy for Butch, he gets into the groins and hip flexors. He sees ALL of my business, it's pretty funny. He says that most of my flexibility issues are tendon tightness and not muscle issues. According to him, my muscles are pretty soft. The tendons are another story. Friday night I had dinner here at the house with C and the girls. I made sangria and we had Suziecakes cupcakes. It was lovely.

Saturday morning we all got up and went to the Festival of Books at UCLA to a kiddie concert then trekked up to Malibu to hang out, have a little lunch and get out of the heat. When we got back, I went to Maha and took a vinyasa class. After that it was a lovely two-margarita dinner at El Cholo then karaoke at the GasLite. So much fun! Tomorrow morning a light breakfast with Owl!!!!!!

It is lovely here. C and the girls are so much fun, and she's so generous with her house and hospitality. I do miss the BF though. That is all for now.

Big ol' Jet Airliner.....

Steve Miller Band. Love them.

It's absolutely gorgeous here in the greater New York City area. I'm all packed and ready to go. So much stuff to do when I get to LA!

Princess Ralph's!
SuzieCakes!
Yoga at Maha
Private with M!
THE BEACH!
Coral Tree
Fritto Misto
Bikini Wax
Haircut
Massage with Butch
THE BEACH!
Sangria with C
Gaslite!
Dinner with A!
THE BEACH!
Malibu
The Grove
The Promenade
The Co-op
Nook

Very excited! I'll be posting soon.

Food hangover

I'll start out in a happy place then I'm going to do my rant.

I had a GREAT dinner last night with Amy, Anna and Cranky. We had tapas and sangria at Pipa. The food was seriously fantastic, I think I have a bit of a food hangover right now. There was sausage and cheese and some kind of beef thing and some veggie thing and some mushroom thing and these fantastic potato thingies that were so good. And the sangria was fantastic (but not as good as mine, ha!). It was nice to see Cranky and Anna again and to meet Amy, she's lovely and vivacious and sweet. It was such a fun evening.

And now for the rant. If you have children, you might want to skip this one. It's take your offspring to work day. Fuck. In my humble opinion, work is the one place in the entire world (other than the shala) where I won't be exposed to children and their jam hands and their little voices and their pounding feet. And this day RUINS that. Usually I take this day off. FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK. How come there isn't a take your fucking dogs to work day? How come I can't bring my fucking dogs to work? HUH????? FUCK. Or, as Laksmi says, FCUK. TRIPLE FCUK. FCUK, they are here already and it's not even 9am. Thank heavens I'm leaving at noon to go home and pack. Jesus.

Mongolian BBQ

I went to lunch with a friend today, we went to get Mongolian BBQ and sat outside in Bryant Park and ate lunch. All veggies, mmm, was good but now I'm STARVING and no food until at least 6:30. BUT Cranky is bringing some cupcakes for us all to have. Yay!

So I was chatting with my friend K the other day. He calls Ashtanga 'the cult'. I always laugh but I guess it hits home a teensy bit? I mean, let's list what we 'do or don't do' for Ashtanga:

We don't drink very often, or if we do we do it the day before a Moon day or on Fridays
We go to bed early so we can get up at 5am (or thereabouts)
We change some of our eating habits; Some of us eat no meat or less meat, or no dairy, or just diet to get smaller so our practice will be 'better'
We 'salute the sun' and face the East while doing it!
We chant
Many of us alter our work schedules, or travel fairly long distances, just to practice with our other 'cult members'
Most of us do our practice in a 'shala'
We don't practice on the Full Moon or the New Moon or when we're menstruating
Some of us make what could be called 'pilgrimages' to India to commune with our guru and to help improve our practice
WE BLOG ABOUT IT endlessly
We befriend likeminded people, probably some of whom we might not even ever be friends with if it weren't for 'the practice'

It goes on. I suppose if I look at it through his eyes it does seem a little cultish. Ummmm, WHATEVER. K reads this blog and I know he's laughing right now. I'm ok with that. If he weren't laughing at me about 'the cult' then he'd be laughing at me for something else.

No power cable

I forgot to bring my power cable with my laptop today to the City office. Ooooooops. Fortunately my coworker/team member isn't here today so I borrowed his. Whew!

I practiced at the Shala today for the first time in maybe three weeks? My mat was still there, thank goodness. They put new shower curtains in the bathroom and put new faucets in the showers. The old ones always came off in your hand. I know, such things to complain about..... The best part was, Anna and Cranky were there practicing too! Fun!
I did my half-primary and realized I really need to stop slacking off on the vinyasas in the seated poses. I got really tired and skipped a couple. I started crying again after my Marichy C assist from BW. WTF is that about????? I just don't get it. Is it because I can't do it so I have a woe is me moment? Weird. Backbending was tough but I did three and no lower back pain or tightness at all afterwards. I think really concentrating on bandhas during updogs really helps with that.

Happy Birthday!

I would like to welcome Rachel Audra to the world. Rachel was born on April 19 at 8:59pm, weighing in at a strapping 6lbs. 14.5 oz and measuring at a towering 19 in. long, at Bethesda National Naval Medical Center.



Rachel, you are sure to be a constant source of joy to your parents. You were a long-hoped-for baby and they certainly went to some trouble to have you! I can't imagine a baby who is more fortunate than you to have such intelligent, educated, fun and funny parents as yours are. Your mother is the single most intelligent woman I know (and I know a LOT of smart women!) and I am lucky to count hers among some of my dearest and longest-lived friendships. And your father is one of the nicest, funniest and most creatively talented people I know. Kid, you got seriously lucky!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL!!!! I can't wait to meet you.

OK, seriously tearing up as I write this so I have to go now.

Just do it?

A woman is often measured by the things she cannot control. She is measured by the way her body curves or doesn’t curve. By where she is flat or straight or round. She is measured by 36-24-36 and inches and ages and numbers. By all the outside things that don’t ever add up to who she is on the inside. And so if a woman is to be measured, let her be measured by the things she can control. By who she is and who she is trying to become because as every woman knows, measurements are only statistics, and statistics lie.


© Nike

Edited slightly for punctuation preferences....

I bought three pairs of pants yesterday, and lots of shirts, for wearing to work. And I ignored the numbers, found clothes that fit me and flatter me and are comfortable. And I didn't hear that annoying voice so much. Take that, voices in my head!

Heart opening....maybe

It's Saturday and I did my practice!!!!!!! Very very very exciting. I did it with the tv on (bad lady) but really, so what. Dogs are snooozing/snoring on the couch. I'm still sitting on my mat as I type this, I was so excited I just had to post. Oh, and I didn't do any finishing but I don't care. I did my half primary all by myself!!!! And UHP is actually really improving, as is ardha badha. Good stuff! Before my UD (which didn't feel bad but wasn't good, haven't done it in a while), I did an ustrasana and felt an odd feeling in the center of my chest, right between 'the twins'. It wasn't a pain, more like weird discomfort. Heart opening? Maybe. That would be good.

I have taken all of the latest blog rumblings about body issues and self-loathing/body loathing to heart. I'm making a concerted effort to stop the mindless negative chatter. My body is useful, strong and can do all kinds of fun things! I will continue to try to get rid of my belly chub simply because belly chub is supposedly unhealthy and given my family history of unhealthiness, I have to be careful. But I'm going to BE HERE NOW with THIS BODY of THIS MOMENT. We're going to the outlet mall tomorrow in Riverhead, so that could be a good challenge. My goal is to not get attached to the number on the tag. THE TAG NUMBER IS NOT IMPORTANT.

What IS important is that my snoring pug is SUPER CUTE. I like the caps today. It was a good practice. Happy Saturday! Next Thursday night I will be in LA!

A different direction

I practiced at home this morning (that's not new) with the BF. We did three A's , two B's, the first three standing poses (without the twisters, he's not ready for those yet) and a few seated poses. He complained the whole time. :)

Even though trying to practice and teach him at the same time is difficult, and I am not getting in the vigorous body workout that I used to, I think this is a good new direction for my practice. It seems that in going back to the beginning with him, I am going back to the beginning with myself. A beginning I can now barely remember, from three years ago. When I remind him of things that I feel are important (breathe, heels out, press your hands to the floor, relax your neck), I remind myself. And it hit me. THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DECIDE TO TEACH YOGA. I know, kind of a dumbass A-HA moment, but an important one nonetheless. And it sets my mind to brewing about things for the future......ways to get out of the 'management cube'.

Anyhoo, the Pope is in town this weekend so I may not be able to get to the Shala on Sunday. We'll see how that goes.

Oh, and BF has a really hard time breathing through his nose, more so in the morning than other times but mostly all the time. Any thoughts on how to get things cleared out in the morning so he can breathe? I already suggested the neti pot but I don't think he's going to go for that.

F Yoga

Here is my new Fuck Yoga t-shirt. As you'll see, someone cleverly put it in a sanskrit-like font. Friggin' funny, I tell ya. I want to wear it to the Shala but I don't think Batman would approve.



And here's the cake I baked on Saturday in my cramp-induced stupor. Looks yummy, right? It's all gone already. I only had two pieces.

Softball

I joined the company co-ed softball team. My right arm hurts. This is NOT going to be good for the yoga.

I dragged BF out of bed this morning for another round of 'ashtanga'.

In the bed:

Me: Come on, honey bunny, it's time to get up. (Yes, this is actually how he likes to be awakened when it's early - 6:20 is early to him).
BF: My knee hurts
Me: No it doesn't, come on now, get out of bed
BF: My stomach hurts
Me: I'll fix that, now come on, get up
BF: It's Ladies Holiday
Me: Honey, you don't have a uterus

We get downstairs, get the mats out facing each other.

Me: OK, take a deep breath in through the nose, now exhale, let it all out
BF: Buuuuuuuurp

We did three A's and two B's and then he complained that it hurt to be in down dog.

Me: What hurts, your wrists?
BF: No, my arms
Me: Oh, good, that's good
BF: WTF????? face
Me: Relax your neck, see your navel.

Then we did Padangusthasana (he is able to grab his toes with a bit of a bend in the knee) and Padahasthasana (he is able to get some of his fingers under the feet, again with a bend in the knee). Then trikonasana. Ummmmmm, I have a hard time teaching that one, so any pointers from those of you who are actually teachers is much appreciated. So that was enough for today, about 20 minutes. I'm hoping to talk him into taking a 'basics' class this weekend, we'll see how that goes. I don't think he should learn all of his yoga from me since I'm not really trained to teach!

We had the kids this weekend, that was pretty fun. They were at T's baseball game most of the day on Saturday and I had Ladies' Holiday so I was grouchy. I did bake a cake though. I took a picture, I'll have to get it off the camera and post it. It was pretty yummy. After dinner on Saturday we took the dogs out for a long walk around town to get some Italian ices. Rocky tried to jump over the low wall into the Sound, scared the LIFE out of me.

It's the Belt that gets you

The Belt Parkway, that is.


Toll for Verrazano Bridge - $10
Toll for Goethals Bridge - $8
Filling up the gas tank in New Jersey - $40
Snuggling with 'The Boys' on the couch - Priceless

The Boys Are Back In Town!

Doggies

Going to get the boys tonight from New Jersey. Here are the newest pics.....so cute.




If you can see the reddish bump above Rocky's eye, that is his little mast cell tumor (at least, that's what we think it is). The vet did a needle biopsy a couple of weeks ago which came back 'suspicious' so it has to come off. Soon. Poor little guy!

So friggin' cute......

It's the bandhas, stupid......

OK, well, I'm not stupid but perhaps I have a bandha problem? I've always been weak with the bandhas. Perhaps it's time to start giving them some love. Today I practiced at home (shout out to me for getting motivated!), just sun salutations and the standing poses. But I thought to myself, before I started, today I will focus on the bandhas. And I did. And while my right hip definitely feels that familiar gripping, the low back pain is not there. Of course, I didn't backbend, but I think I'll play around with this some. That's the beauty of the home practice....free to work on stuff that in the Shala might get me in a bit of trouble.

In other news, I actually dragged BF out of bed at 6:30am and taught him the sun salutations. He was pretty darned good considering it was his first try at them. Poor man has really tight hamstrings and calves but fortunately for him he's very strong in the upper body so he can deal with the weight there for a while until stuff evens out. Part of our verbal exchange this morning:

Me, demonstrating samastithi: So, stand with your toes touching lightly, distribute your weight evenly through your feet, blah blah blah, try to engage your core so your shoulders are expanded but not up around your ears.

BF: Wow, that makes your tits look nice.

Yeah, this is gonna go really well.....we'll try again tomorrow morning. For the record, this was partly his idea. He wants to lose the weight that he gained when he quit smoking in January and this is something we can do together. We also take walks and after we move to Huntington we may get bicycles but for now this is the thing that's most available to both of us. Problem is, he's not going to get out of bed on his own that early in the morning so I have to play mommy/drill sergeant to get him up.

If you're thinking of getting a pet, please go to an animal shelter. The economic downturn and housing crisis have created a shelter crisis. Read this sad story.

If I ever had to give up the boys like that, I just don't know what I would do. I feel terrible for all of these families who feel that they have to give up their pets. If you can't adopt a dog or cat, give a little money or time to an animal shelter. They can really use the help right now.

I tried.....

But everything hurt. After 4 A's and 1 B, I felt the old familiar tightness in the low back in the up-dogs so I stopped and did some stretching. I tried to do a little shoulderstand but that wasn't working out either. I will try again tomorrow.

Fuck yoga.

And where is my Ladies' Holiday????

Crab.

Back to the grind

Of daily practice, that is. I have no more excuses now. This morning I woke up at 5:15, went downstairs and lounged on the couch until about 6:45 then went back upstairs and got back into bed for another 20 minutes or so. So, now that I'm going back to bed at the right time (between 8:30 and 9), I can get up at 5:15 and practice. By myself. :(

I really did a number on my back this weekend at my Saturday vinyasa class. It's a good thing Sunday was a moon day because I could still barely walk on Sunday morning.

So I'm trying to finish 'What Are You Hungry For?'. And I came across this passage:

"By nurturing and asserting your own internal standard of beauty, you can honestly express the beauty of who you are, not who you wish you were."

This ties in with Cody's post for today. Perhaps if I could be more 'in the moment' (with myself?), I could stop comparing myself to, say, Scarlett Johanssen (or whoever, just an example). OR stop comparing myself to, say, me a year ago. Or five years ago. Or ten years ago. How about Be Here Now, as the book says? Can I just Be Here Now? Can I Eat Here Now? Practice Here Now?

I still want a Fuck Yoga shirt.

Untitled

I want one of those shirts that says 'Fuck Yoga'.

No practice

And I don't care. I'm too f'ing tired to care. I will go to vinyasa class on Saturday morning. After I work from 6am to 8am. Then, after vinyasa class I will work from noon until about 2pm. Then I will work from 4pm to about 7pm. Then I will go out to dinner with BF and sleep. I will practice on sunday morning at 9. Then I will work from 4pm-about7pm. Then I will be done with this crazy work thing.

I hope.

Please, Shiva, let the rest of this go smoothly from now until Sunday night. I can't take much more. I had the worst meltdown yesterday evening after I got home. I'm so tired.

That is all.

Yesterday's post

So I received a few comments from the kindly readers of my blog yesterday that I was being too hard on myself. While normally that would be the case, this time I really wasn't. I swear! I was just pointing out things that I think should probably be worked on. So, to answer some of the commentary:

No, ustrasana doesn't feel too terribly crunchy in the lower back as long as I work really really hard. But it is not a really difficult backbend for me, for whatever reason, so I like to practice it. It really helps me open up the shoulders as a prep for UD.

As far as backbending in general goes, I don't work too terribly hard on it but I do try to work on it every time I practice. I have the type of body that loses flexibility, strength and muscle memory really quickly. If I didn't backbend for maybe seven days, I would backtrack in a big way. With my tweaky lower back, I can't afford setbacks.

UD is monumentally easier now than it was when I first started practicing ashtanga. At that time, I wasn't even strong enough to get my head up off the floor. I must have practiced UD with my head on the floor for six months. Now I can get in three strong UDs on a good day (with a lot of rest in between). As far as the feet winging out, it's bad for my freaky lower back so I try really hard to be mindful of that. If I'm pressing into the feet the way I should be and dropping my inner thighs, the feet don't wing out as much. I tend to have 'turn out' naturally, for whatever reason. My knees and toes want to open up and drop out to the side. If I had a different body build I might have been a decent dancer, ha, NOT! However, this is not the best way for me to backbend, it throws off the hips and causes the lower back to do all the work.

As far as how these particular two poses feel, they feel pretty darned good! And they feel better with every week of consistent practice. I do concern myself with the upper back because I have to carry around these boobs and that's a lot of work! It does cause some shoulder rounding and upper and mid-back tension. It's hard to open the heart when it's all caved in trying to hide size D breasts!!!!! :)

So, there you have it. I appreciate everyone's concern that I was being overly critical of myself, the cyber-shala comes through once again! One thing you will notice, not one derogatory word about the way my body looks. I was actually pretty excited about the pictures, I thought they were really revealing, both of the good stuff and the stuff that needs to be worked on.

Asana report....with pictures!

I did a home practice today! Yay! I did all of standing then sitting through Janu Sirsasana A, then did Marichy A and C. BF assisted with UHP, Paschimo, Marichy A and actually managed to wrestle me into Marichy C! He's such a good ashtanga assister. Now if only I could get him to practice.... Marichy C on the left side is actually getting a teensy bit better. Right side is absolutely impossible. Then came the backbending. For your viewing pleasure we have Ustrasana and UD. Please feel free to critique the backbends (but please don't critique the tiny apartment or the messy living room).





So you'll notice in the ustrasana, very little bend in the upper back, and too much crunching in the low. The hips and thighs look like they're in a pretty good spot though. And notice the neck looks strained. Very stiff in the neck and shoulders. In the UD the hands are NOT under the shoulders. Also, feet winged out to the side. Bad lady! The stiff upper back is also far more pronounced here. I found these pictures to be very helpful! Anyone have any ideas on how to get the upper back to bend a little more?

PMS