Mellow rock hits of the 70's

That was the soundtrack this morning in the car on the way to Anonymous Shala. I was in a great mood, really looking forward to my practice. And therein lies the rub. Because it SUCKED. It sucked all day long and twice on Sunday. I stopped several times during sun sals. I was soooo tired and felt like I couldn't breathe. Lately I've been doing a lot better during sun sals and standing, able to really get up a flow and not 'putzer' so much. I must have stopped ten times today during standing alone. I just felt exhausted.

And then I got to tiryangmukhaikapada paschimatanasana. My nemesis. The pose I hate the most in the primary series. Not the pose I hate the most ever (that award goes to vasisthasana) but pretty freaking close. In over two years I have made incremental progress. I mean, I don't sit on the block any more because, really, what's the point? My butt has probably dropped about an inch toward the floor. Maybe. On a good day. The butt cheek of the folded leg will NEVER get to the floor, it seems. And that's where the spiral began. Here's what it sounded like in my head:

You'll never be able to do this pose.
You're way too fat to be doing yoga.
Look at how thin she is next to you. You'll never look like that.
Why can't I do this pose? Everyone can do this pose but me!
Because everyone else is thinner than you. And way more disciplined than you.
I'm tired of not having a teacher! If I had a consistent teacher maybe I could actually DO this crap.
Not likely.

And on and on and on. Boy Wonder came over to help me out. Basically he pushes his leg up against my 'listing' side so I don't fall over like a bloated yacht. And that's when the tears began. I cried into my towel for a while. Then moved on. Then cried into my knee in Janu A. I skipped Janu B, I didn't even mean to. Frankly I wasn't in the mood at that point to jam my heel into my perineum anyway. Hurts my wound. I finally (mercifully) got to navasana. I lay down to backbend and got up once and it felt so bad I didn't go up again. I just picked up my stupid smelly heavy rubber mat and went behind one of the gigantic pillars to cry in peace.

And that's when Boy Wonder followed me. DAMN! Of all the days for him to notice me!

We kind of introduced ourselves to each other. I explained that my attendance seemed sporadic because I live and work on Long Island and it is difficult for me to get into the city. He offered to give me more poses next Sunday. Which is really sweet and I was, of course, very touched. Need I remind everyone that I HAVE ALREADY BEEN GIVEN ALL OF PRIMARY SERIES????? I told him I had but that I was stopping at navasana because I cannot do bhujapidasana at all. But I told him that if he was willing to teach me it, we could give it a go.

So, yeah, that's my day. I'm not allowing comments on this post because, while I dearly love and appreciate the support of the cyber-shala, I'm CERTAIN that people are tired of my 'woe is me' posts. Frankly, I'M tired of them. I just felt like I had to get this all out.

Did I mention that I'm pretty sure that this meltdown has PMS written all over it?